I awoke on Sunday morning at 5 AM for a Father's day fishing trip to Reelfoot Lake with my dad. He was late. So I let out Rem, my lab. As rem and I walked around the yard, I knew why dad was late. Our whole area was covered in a thick fog.
Fog is alot like snow in that when it settles into an area, it seems to erase all noise. It was totally silent. Anytime I am able to get into a place of silence, it seems God speaks to me. Today was no different.
I noticed how thick the fog was. I could barely see my neighbor's house. Yet, where I was standing, there seemed to be no fog. As I approached the fog shrouded shed, the fog seemed to dissipate. I could see where the fog was thickest. I could see that the fog surrounded me. I could even see evidence of the fog's presence on a fleece blanket Sarah had left out and the trash can lid. Yet, I couldn't touch the fog. The fog was all around me and yet I was not in the midst of it really.
That's when God told me that was what my life was like at the moment. I have spent several years now trying to help people experience the fog of the Holy Spirit. I have told them about the thickness of it, explained the way it can encompass you, shown them the evidence of where it had been. Even last week, I had the awesome opportunity with my new youth group to walk some of them into a place where the Holy Spirit surrounded and overwhelmed them. Yet, it seemed to me that the Spirit was all around me, yet too far from me to touch.
Did I loose my passion? Did sin overtake me when I was unaware? Had I grown so used to the move of the Spirit that it lost its effect on me? Why God? Why can't I feel You? Why don't you cover me, envelope me? Why doesn't the Spirit seem visible around me?
With the wisdom and patience of a wonderful Abba Father, God replied. The issue was not in the questions above. I had been so busy showing other people how to experience the Spirit's ministry that I had neglected my own experience. Since leaving NCF 6 years ago, i have led 3 different youth groups. At the first two, I had an extreme sense of urgency about my call there. I put the kids first and concentrated more on them than my own soul. Along the way, we had two children and my time was divided more. Now, we are in TN and have two house payments. The new youth group, the transition for my family from metro AL to rural TN, and how to pay out more in bills than you have coming in have taken even more of me. I have neglected God. I have failed to spend enough time at His feet, failed to take time to hear His voice, and even failed to realize that I hadn't felt His touch in so long.
I can't live anymore with this space between us. he has not moved, I have. I have substituted great youth services and experiences in students' lives for true connection with MY God. I have allowed Sarah's encounters to be my fuel rather than feasting at the table He has prepared for me. I want the fog. i want to be lost in Him again. I want to feel out of control and at total peace at the same time, like itused to be. How I miss the NCF family and their teachings. But it is time to don my big boy underwear and learn to strive for His presence. Thank you Jesus for speaking to me and straightening me out.
